The following humorous stories and jokes I have collected through the years, but most have come to me without the author's name, so though I would like to give credit where credit is due, I cannot do so.
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO AND COMPUTERS
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old
to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of
us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on..
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT*
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend some thing.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
Subject: LEXIPHILES
To write with a broken pencil is pointless
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right
now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that
votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
Congratulations
Congratulations to all the kids who were born in the 1930's - 40's - 50's - 60's - and 70's!
Our baby cribs were covered with bright-colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, rode our bikes without helmets, and not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children we rode in cars with no children's seats, seat belts, or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick-up on a warm day was a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, and real butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight, because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back for dinner. No one was able to reach us all day, but we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find we forgot the brakes.
We had no Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, video games, surround sound, cell phones, text messaging, personal computers, Internet chat rooms, and our TV stations were channels 3,6, and 10. We had FRIENDS, and we went outside and found them.
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthday.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls, or a 6 inch piece of bicycle tire and a flat stick.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door, rang the doorbell, or just hollered for them.
Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!
Instead of our parents bailing us out if we broke the law, they actually sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever. The last 50 years have seen an explosion of innovation.
We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility, AND WE LEARNED HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.
The Holy Horse
A gentleman stopped by a stable to buy a horse. The horse he bought happened to have belonged to a pastor before, so he was given some unusual instructions. To start the horse he was told to shout "Praise the Lord". And to stop him he should say "Hallelujah." He paid the price for the horse, shouted "Praise the Lord", and the horse took off a running. Suddenly he came to a cliff with quite a drop off. He shouted "Whoa" but the horse kept on going. He tried franctically to remember the word he was given for stopping the horse. Suddenly it came to him, and he shouted :"Hallelujah." The horse stopped right on the edge of the cliff. He wiped his brow and said: "Praise the Lord."
The Praying Parrot
A man bought a parrot from a pet store and took him home. He soon found that the vocabulary of the parrot consisted mostly of the phrase: "Let's neck." His pastor visited him on one occasion and heard the parrot say: "Let's neck." He suggested that the parrot be brought to his house, since he had a parrot that always said: "Let's pray." So he decided to take his parrot to the home of the pastor to see if the pastor's parrot could teach him better language. When he placed his cage near the cage of the pastor's parrot, it suddenly shouted: "Praise the Lord, my prayers were answered."
A Thankful Lion
A missionary was walking down a trail in Africa, when he suddenly came upon a lion on the path. He dropped to his knees and cried: "God, please save me from this lion." When he lifted his eyes to look at the lion, it was saying grace.
Two Fleas
Two fleas came out of the flea hotel, and one said to the other: "Shall we walk, or take a dog?"
Two dim bulbs
A pickup truck was barrelling down the highway with two dim bulbs riding in back, two guys whose dipstick didn't quite reach the oil. They came to a bridge over a deep river and couldn't make the turn onto the bridge. The pickup went into the river. The driver got out and swam to shore, but the two men in back drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate open.
A sidewak cafe
A gentleman was eating in a sidewalk cafe when it started to rain. It took him 45 minutes to finish his soup.